Update

Today feels like turning the page in a book and seeing a brand new chapter.

I quit my job to focus on school full time for a while. I'm not sure how long I will take a break from work, but it's only day one and I already feel amazing. There is no one on the campus right now except a few employees. I am sitting outside trying to catch up on all the homework I fell behind in while at work. I feel like so much stress has left my brain.

I realize that on this blog, I haven't been updating much of what's been going on. I will take care of that soon. There is a lot that has changed, and a lot I feel like saying. Like most things in my life, I feel embarrassed because my family has a thing for being judgmental and treating me different because of my life choices. One of the things that has changed about me is that I no longer care so much what people think about me, and I'm going to prove it by speaking freely about my choices and honestly letting my life details out. I have to get back to studying now, but in a few hours I will talk a bit more about what's been happening.

I'm A Whore

Turn the other cheek. Always turn the other cheek.

When someone insults you, no matter how low a blow, no matter how true, no matter how UNTRUE, turn the other cheek.

Count to ten. Start again.

Think about it a different way. I have been called a whore, a slut, stupid, childish, immature, incapable, and other completely untrue things. Do they make sense? By proper definition, not one of these claims against me make sense. It's tempting to own them and say, "Yes, I am a whore." But it wouldn't be true, and I would know it in the part of me that matters.

Hey, if standing true to my faith makes me a slut, then I'll gladly be a slut. If loving my family and the One For Me is immature, then I am immature. However irreverent the definition is to the application of the insult, if this is how a bully chooses to see me, then that is what I'll be.  

Real Stuff

There is something so wonderful in my life, and his name is Kelby. I am blessed beyond belief to call him mine.

There is someone not so wonderful in my life. It's Kelby's mother, and she wants to erase me from his mind.

I feel the evil, horrible grip of hatred begin to wrap its fingers around my heart every time I hear about her, every time she tries to turn Kelby against me, and every time she completely ignores the fact that I ever existed. It keeps me up at night. It makes my stomach turn with worry and fear. What is she going to do to me next? Will she succeed in tearing Kelby from me? I think of my unborn children, and what I should do when they want to meet their grandma. Will she ignore me then? Will she try to hurt them too?

This isn't something I was prepared for. I am the ultimate over thinker, but not once did it enter my mind that I would have to deal with in-laws that rejected me for my faith. I never expected someone who claimed to follow the Bible to be so...hurtful. Was it in Jesus' plan to have His followers hurt each other so much?

This is life changing for me. I don't ever, ever want to be like that. I don't ever want to be anything but loving and forgiving.

Love your enemies.

"Oh Lord Jesus, please heal this relationship."

Pray for those who persecute you.

"Savior, help her to be blessed when she follows you. Help me to be an example, even if it seems backwards."

The battle plan isn't easy, and it isn't simple. I praise God for my parents in this time, because they have helped me become a better person. They've helped point out the ugly, hideous parts of me that need to be cut off and thrown in the fire.

"Father, I ask that you give me the strength to always be respectful to my parents, and to always keep us close."

Kelby will be with me soon. Much prayer and guidance have brought us to the conclusion that he will be safer here with me, but that is still many months away. I don't know what is in store for him, and I fear for him. But I know he is strong enough.

"Lord, protect Kelby."

In dealing with the most hateful Christians I have ever met, I decided I needed to be the opposite. It's not the non-believers that do the most damage to the church, it is the people inside the walls that are destructive, immature, and blind to what the Word says. If I'm going to proclaim the Word of God, I want to show the world Jesus' heart, not turn people away.

"Jesus, change my heart to be more like yours. Give me the diligence to dive into your Word every day so I know how you want me to act. Don't let me become like them, God."

I truly believe that someday, Kelby's mother will come to love me again. I believe someday her eyes will be opened, that she will be freed from her religion, and experience the freedom that comes with Jesus and His love. I pray our family will be healed.

"I wanna be the change."

Why I Hate Religion

I met the most wonderful man on the internet a year and a half ago. He made me laugh, made me smile, and made me feel like I had self worth again. When he asked to be my boyfriend, I felt like my life was complete. When his mom offered to let me move in with them, I thought life couldn't get any better.

I knew he went to a church that was slightly different than mine, but I was determined to give it a chance, since I wanted to know what sort of religious background he was from. At first I managed to go with it. There were only surface differences as far as I could see. But as time went on, I noticed that they really had some wacky, non-Biblical views on things that really bothered me. I pointed these out to my boyfriend, showing him what the Bible actually said, and it didn't take long for him to realize the same things I was starting to realize. 

I figured since his mom was so sweet and loving towards me that she would understand and listen to my concerns. However, that was not the case at all. Not only did she refuse to listen to me, she called in all sorts of people from her church to talk to me and try to convince me that their church, and their church only was correct, and everything I was raised to believe was true was wrong. It scared me pretty bad at first, to think that I would be so terribly wrong about a God I had known my whole life. 

I dug into the Word of God furiously and ate up every letter. I listened to Bible studies, took notes, and double checked all my references. I prayed in every spare moment for God to help me find the answers, and He did. 

This church didn't line up with the Bible. 

But even after I backed up all my beliefs with scripture, even after I confirmed everything to be true with nothing but my Bible, no one listened to me. They all told me I was going to hell because I didn't agree with them. Whenever I had them caught between their beliefs and what the Bible actually said, they would back out and condemn me like I was the devil himself. 

I figured it wasn't worth fighting, since I would never be able to change the hearts of these people anyways. This was a job that was best left up to God. All I could do was pray and remain strong in the Word. I continued to go to this church with my boyfriend's family, never putting up a fight, never complaining, just waiting patiently for my turn to take my boyfriend to the sort of church I went to.

One particularly hard day, I asked my friends on Facebook to help me with some verses that talked abut churches like these, churches that claim to be the only way to heaven. My boyfriend's mom snapped after that. She bought me a plane ticket to send me back home without my permission, even though I have a job and a life here now. I tried to explain to her as simply and as gently as I could why I couldn't believe what her church believed. I showed her the verses, read her large sections of the Bible, and asked her over and over why she still thought I was going to hell and why she was kicking me out. She gave me not one Biblical answer, but instead explicitly told me over and over that her church was the only true church, and no one outside of it was going to heaven. She then told her own son multiple times that because he believed what I believed, he was going to hell. 

Right to his face told her own son he was going to hell. 

I went to bed that night heartbroken and defeated. Never had I dealt with someone so prideful and hard-headed as her. Never had I experienced such rejection. One moment I thought she really loved and cared for me. The next, she's sending me out of her home because I refuse to "convert" to her religion. It hurts so bad knowing I'll never be able to let my kids know their grandma. I can't risk her telling them they'll go to hell if they don't go to a particular church. It hurts that, because of this church she belongs to, we wont ever be a family. 

It sucks. 

Week One

I'm trying this again; reading through the entire Bible in a year with the help of the YouVersion app. This time, I'm trying the Canonical order, so there's less to read and so it's easier to understand. This week, if you're following along with me, we read through Genesis 1-24. I started the plan on Wednesday, July 18th.

There's lots of things I could talk about in the past week's reading, but the thing that stood out to me the most was in the third chapter, when the serpent tempted Eve. I've been reading a book called "The Screwtape Letters" by C. S. Lewis, about how the devil tempts and schemes to get you on his side. It's been a real eye opener. This battle is a battle of the mind and of the heart, and one of the enemy's most effective weapons is words.

Notice how in chapter three, verse one where he closely quoted the words of God, but altered it just slightly to be harder to notice. Eve picks up on this, however, and corrects him. But the serpent didn't stop there. He acknowledges the correct words of God, but then he adds to them, saying what God didn't say and what wan't true. "You will be like God," he says.

We deal with this exact form of temptation every day, when we hear someone quote the Words of God inaccurately, or changing it to fit what they want it to say. Or when a group of people or even an entire church change the Words of God to fit their own agendas or religious traditions. We have to know the Bible front and back, through and through to avoid being lead astray by those who would have us follow them instead of Jesus.

How much of this could be blamed on our desire to be more like God? That's the one thing the serpent said that finally got Eve to respond, when he told her she could gain some knowledge that would make her more like Him. I've been into lots of churches that hold on more closely to their traditions than they do to Jesus. I've met people who think they can earn their way into heaven by being a "good person". This thinking is so dangerous. We are taking the power away from God to save us, to take us to heaven, and acting like it's something we do. We can't possibly do something only God can do with our feeble human actions. We can't let ourselves be trapped by the devil's lie of works and not faith.

I'm happy that I've decided to read through the entire Word of God this year. There's still so much I need to learn, and so many things I need to defend myself against as I get older. If you have any suggestions or comments, please feel free to let me know. Thanks. :)

The Night of June 12, 2013

It's time I gave an update on Texas.

In this state, you see no less than 1,392,549 Texas flags a day. People are definitely proud of this state. I think, as time goes on, I'll learn to be appreciative of life here as well. It has a different feel to it than California does, more relaxed and slow. The sky really is bigger, and I honestly still giggle a bit under my breath at how adorable everyone's Southern drawls are. I'm learning new words and phrases, like "Ya'll want some steak?" Or "I'm fixin to leave, wanna come?"

I love my new family. There's no doubt that I miss my parents and my siblings, but having such loving, supportive people to surround me makes this transition so much easier. Not once has it been awkward or hard to live here in my new home.

The best part of it all is Kelby. Never having met him, I was scared to death of being with him in person. What if he didn't like me? What if our dates turned out to be boring? What if he broke up with me after I moved there? Our relationship was the glue holding my new life in Texas together, and if I lost it, or if it was never truly there at all, I would be lost.

I'm glad to say it was nothing like that. From the moment I saw him for the first time, and he ran to me and embraced me, it has been one good thing after another. Just like before, he was my best friend who I was deeply in love with. We can sit together for hours and play video games. We can have long talks before bedtime. We can swing at the park and just be completely happy together. I'm still the luckiest girl on earth to have him.

He proposed to me on June 6th, and I was more than happy to say yes. In the short, yet wonderful time I've been here, I've fallen more in love with him then I thought was possible. I've watched the way he does everyday things, and I've become convinced he's going to make an excellent husband and father. Even now, as I'm sitting here with him, I learn more things about him that make me proud to have him, and happy about our future together.

My time here has only just begun, but so far it's been amazing. I miss everyone back home, but I can assure you that I'm doing fantastic. Keep in touch!

~Sel

Sunday, May 26, 2013

The first thing I noticed about Texas was the humidity. I knew it was hot, but when I stepped off the plane, it was like I was in a gigantic shower after a hot bath. It made it harder than it already was to breathe. My knees were weak, I broke out into a sweat, and it was all I could do to keep from getting faint.

This was it. Kelby was somewhere in this airport looking for me. It can't be real, it must be a dream.

Despite my less than perfect physical conditions, adrenaline forced me to walk through the gate faster than I should have. Part of me wanted to get to Kelby as fast as I possibly could, to have it done and over with, to get home and sleep. But the other part of me wanted to run back home where it was safe and familiar, and where Kelby only existed as a two dimensional being on the internet.

But that Kelby was just text in a chat box.

I locked myself in a bathroom stall and called him. I had to hear his voice, I knew it would motivate me enough to leave the bathroom. I regulated my breathing, fixed my hair, and stepped out. My "I-want-to-go-home-right-now" Selena took over, and my walking slowed down to an incredibly slow pace. The way to the baggage claim seemed so far away, and every corner I turned only lead to another long hallway I had to drag my feet down. I imagined this moment to be much different, with me running the whole way to meet Kelby and tackling him to the floor once I met him. I didn't expect to be fighting to stay up as my knees threatened to give out, so deathly scared to do the one thing I'd been longing for the past six months.

I finally made it to the baggage claim. I called Kelby one last time to make sure I was headed in the right direction as I stepped on the escalator down to where I thought he would be.

"I'm in baggage claim C."

"Oh my gosh Kelby I'm almost there..."

Then I heard him shout my name and freaking fly up half the escalator to meet me. Before I knew what was happening, he was holding me, for the first time, and he was real.

I held him, smelling him, looking at his face. It was all real! I was really in Kelby's arms! None of this felt like a dream anymore, I didn't feel sick anymore. Just happy. So perfectly happy that I didn't even cry, I just smiled.