Sunday, May 26, 2013

The first thing I noticed about Texas was the humidity. I knew it was hot, but when I stepped off the plane, it was like I was in a gigantic shower after a hot bath. It made it harder than it already was to breathe. My knees were weak, I broke out into a sweat, and it was all I could do to keep from getting faint.

This was it. Kelby was somewhere in this airport looking for me. It can't be real, it must be a dream.

Despite my less than perfect physical conditions, adrenaline forced me to walk through the gate faster than I should have. Part of me wanted to get to Kelby as fast as I possibly could, to have it done and over with, to get home and sleep. But the other part of me wanted to run back home where it was safe and familiar, and where Kelby only existed as a two dimensional being on the internet.

But that Kelby was just text in a chat box.

I locked myself in a bathroom stall and called him. I had to hear his voice, I knew it would motivate me enough to leave the bathroom. I regulated my breathing, fixed my hair, and stepped out. My "I-want-to-go-home-right-now" Selena took over, and my walking slowed down to an incredibly slow pace. The way to the baggage claim seemed so far away, and every corner I turned only lead to another long hallway I had to drag my feet down. I imagined this moment to be much different, with me running the whole way to meet Kelby and tackling him to the floor once I met him. I didn't expect to be fighting to stay up as my knees threatened to give out, so deathly scared to do the one thing I'd been longing for the past six months.

I finally made it to the baggage claim. I called Kelby one last time to make sure I was headed in the right direction as I stepped on the escalator down to where I thought he would be.

"I'm in baggage claim C."

"Oh my gosh Kelby I'm almost there..."

Then I heard him shout my name and freaking fly up half the escalator to meet me. Before I knew what was happening, he was holding me, for the first time, and he was real.

I held him, smelling him, looking at his face. It was all real! I was really in Kelby's arms! None of this felt like a dream anymore, I didn't feel sick anymore. Just happy. So perfectly happy that I didn't even cry, I just smiled.

Peace: 12:36am on Wednesday morning

This isn't easy. I'm not sure who thinks it is. It hurts when people say they understand me, because I know they don't. It also hurts when people completely brush me off because of it. I'm different. I'm an outcast. I'm made fun of. It's not easy in the slightest.

I find myself again unable to sleep, crying about the decisions I have to make and the situations I'm in.

"God, I just want an answer."

I thank Him for giving me Kelby, for he has been the happiness and strength in my life. He has a calming effect on me that leaves me satisfied and peaceful. I would have had a mental breakdown by now if I wasn't in this with him. Not a moment have I spent regretting him or being anything but glad I met him. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard to keep this up. Everyday there's new challenges to face, new insults to deal with, and more wondering about my future.

But God gives me encouragement in small things, and in big things. He encourages me with my LifeGroup, which is filled with people who give me hope. He encourages me with all the sweet qualities of my amazing man. And He encourages me in unexpected ways, like fortune cookies or smiles from my baby sister.

"Lord, there hasn't been any answers yet. But somehow, I know You have everything under control."