Sunday, May 26, 2013

The first thing I noticed about Texas was the humidity. I knew it was hot, but when I stepped off the plane, it was like I was in a gigantic shower after a hot bath. It made it harder than it already was to breathe. My knees were weak, I broke out into a sweat, and it was all I could do to keep from getting faint.

This was it. Kelby was somewhere in this airport looking for me. It can't be real, it must be a dream.

Despite my less than perfect physical conditions, adrenaline forced me to walk through the gate faster than I should have. Part of me wanted to get to Kelby as fast as I possibly could, to have it done and over with, to get home and sleep. But the other part of me wanted to run back home where it was safe and familiar, and where Kelby only existed as a two dimensional being on the internet.

But that Kelby was just text in a chat box.

I locked myself in a bathroom stall and called him. I had to hear his voice, I knew it would motivate me enough to leave the bathroom. I regulated my breathing, fixed my hair, and stepped out. My "I-want-to-go-home-right-now" Selena took over, and my walking slowed down to an incredibly slow pace. The way to the baggage claim seemed so far away, and every corner I turned only lead to another long hallway I had to drag my feet down. I imagined this moment to be much different, with me running the whole way to meet Kelby and tackling him to the floor once I met him. I didn't expect to be fighting to stay up as my knees threatened to give out, so deathly scared to do the one thing I'd been longing for the past six months.

I finally made it to the baggage claim. I called Kelby one last time to make sure I was headed in the right direction as I stepped on the escalator down to where I thought he would be.

"I'm in baggage claim C."

"Oh my gosh Kelby I'm almost there..."

Then I heard him shout my name and freaking fly up half the escalator to meet me. Before I knew what was happening, he was holding me, for the first time, and he was real.

I held him, smelling him, looking at his face. It was all real! I was really in Kelby's arms! None of this felt like a dream anymore, I didn't feel sick anymore. Just happy. So perfectly happy that I didn't even cry, I just smiled.

Peace: 12:36am on Wednesday morning

This isn't easy. I'm not sure who thinks it is. It hurts when people say they understand me, because I know they don't. It also hurts when people completely brush me off because of it. I'm different. I'm an outcast. I'm made fun of. It's not easy in the slightest.

I find myself again unable to sleep, crying about the decisions I have to make and the situations I'm in.

"God, I just want an answer."

I thank Him for giving me Kelby, for he has been the happiness and strength in my life. He has a calming effect on me that leaves me satisfied and peaceful. I would have had a mental breakdown by now if I wasn't in this with him. Not a moment have I spent regretting him or being anything but glad I met him. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard to keep this up. Everyday there's new challenges to face, new insults to deal with, and more wondering about my future.

But God gives me encouragement in small things, and in big things. He encourages me with my LifeGroup, which is filled with people who give me hope. He encourages me with all the sweet qualities of my amazing man. And He encourages me in unexpected ways, like fortune cookies or smiles from my baby sister.

"Lord, there hasn't been any answers yet. But somehow, I know You have everything under control."

Love In The Distance

    My love story happens to be my favorite. I met him on the internet; he was an administrator of one of my favorite fan pages. We became best friends, and I slowly fell in love with his charming personality, his random jokes, and his sweet nature. The day he asked me to be his girlfriend was one of the best of my life. However, we definitely have a unique set of challenges we face every day as a couple. Getting to know each other and spending time together is a bit harder when he's in Texas and I'm in California. The majority of my friends and family think it can't work, but if you know what to do, long distance can be just as fulfilling as "normal" relationships. Here's a few tips on how we survive the distance. 

     Do things at the same time. Try seeing a movie at the same show time (make sure to adjust time zones), reading the same book, or making the same meal on the same night. Having connections like this to one another brings you closer. It also gives you things to talk about and discuss. "Did you like that part in the movie when...?" "I disagreed with this chapter in the book." "Did your food turn out as good as mine?" There's even things online you can do together. If you're gamers, you know that most modern consoles can connect to the internet, and with XBox live, you can even talk to one another as you play. Some smart phone apps let you challenge one another as well. 

     Send packages and letters. For Valentine's Day, my boyfriend sent me one of his shirts that smelled strongly of him. I still sleep in it most nights even though his smell has long been washed away. The feeling of holding or wearing something from your special someone is amazing. Knowing that their hand brushed across that letter or that they once wore the shirt you're wearing helps close the physical gap in ways you wouldn't expect. Sending gifts via snail mail will be that much more special if you hand make the gift. Tap into your creative side; paint a picture, knit a scarf, or you might even try baking cookies! 

     Skype. Making use of this free and reliable feature of the internet will become the heart and soul of your relationship, I can almost guarantee it. It might be awkward at first, just like the first few dates might be awkward. But eventually, it will become easier and more natural to talk over Skype. As time goes on, it might be fun to just set up your computer, turn on Skype, and do every day things like cleaning or playing video games. My boyfriend and I often like to play fighting games together as we Skype so we can trash talk each other. 

     Don't let family and friend's judgment get you down. I can't number how many negative comments and reactions I've gotten when I talk about how I'm dating someone two states away. The truth of it is, long distance relationships are still a new concept. I'd be willing to bet that in a few years, a significant rise in long distance relationships will occur. But for now, you have to understand that few people will be open and accepting of this idea. It's at times like these your relationship will be most tested, and you'll have to ask yourself if the other person is truly worth it. It helps to find a few friends, perhaps your parents if you're so lucky, who support your relationship and will offer you a shoulder to cry on when things get tough. 

     As long as you're creative, patient, and trustworthy, long distance dating can be a fresh alternative to conventional dating. The new experiences, the way you do things together, and the satisfaction of getting off the plane and embracing your loved one for the first time makes things fulfilling and exciting. It definitely has it's drawbacks and it's hardships, but if you're willing to put in the extra effort, long distance relationships can survive and help you grow closer to someone you love.  

The morning of April 14, 2013

Those moments.

Those moments when everything is quiet, and you feel a desperate need for your savior. You want Him to consume you, to give you faith like those around you that seem so much better than you. You want to surrender and let Him take control of the direction of your life. You want to be a fountain of life and love to everyone around you.

As wonderful as these moments can be, don't let them discourage you. Don't let yourself convince you that you'll never be as good as someone else, that this moment is fleeting. Instead, let God have his way with you. Let the moment last as long as you can. Sing to Him, talk to Him, and give Him your undivided attention for as long as you can.

Instead of wishing you can love as someone else loves, why not love to the full extent of what you're capable of? Love takes practice, so start now.

True Modesty

I recently read a blog post about modesty that I almost completely disagreed with. Modesty is a touchy subject, but it's one I think needs to be addressed more and spoken honestly about. I'll start: I'm not some super modest, perfect girl. I've never been, and I never will. What someone else defines as modest might not be what I define as modest, and what you think about the topic isn't going to line up with what I think.

I've begun to hear an excuse from Christian girls about modesty that goes something like this: "It's not my fault the guys can't control their sexual desires!" Really? Really. Maybe the reason they can't control themselves is because you come to church dressed like that. If you wave meat in front of a hungry dog, he's going to want it. It's completely natural for a guy to see a pretty girl and have those kinds of thoughts. It's natural for girls too! You can't blame someone else to get away with something, that's not how it works.

One of the things that I struggle with the most about being modest is the ability to wear what I want to wear. Sometimes it makes me angry that I can't wear a certain dress or shirt because it's too tight or too low. How am I supposed to express myself if I have to be modest? But you know what? This is also a stupid excuse. Using what you wear to express yourself is the most shallow excuse I could make. Do I really need a low cut top to determine who I am? Does my skirt need to be up to my buttocks to let people know what kind of person I am? And what exactly am I expressing when I wear that sort of stuff? You let your personality show through with the way you talk, the way you act, and the way you treat others, not through the way you dress. Although your clothes can be a big factor in expressing yourself, make sure they're actually expressing what you want.

It's dangerous to make excuses as to why you don't have to follow certain rules. Blaming it on the guys or saying you can't express yourself to wear whatever you want to wear is only going to make things worse. When you get dressed in the morning, take a few spins in front of the mirror and truly ask yourself who you are and what you're trying to say with what you're wearing. Think about your male friends and not just about yourself.